[Kannyrek News] "We're all gonna die of climate change in 5 years if you do not submit to our regulations now", NPR-sponsored scientists say
Every 5 years, scientists warn us that, if we do not submit to the regulations proposed by Danaya Sevenclaws and her allies, we're all gonna die of the devastating climate change. This is one of such quintiannual warnings which have never come anywhere closer to being true, and this time , we're being for real, now.
"Solar activity is cyclical," the diviner cow scientist explained. "Roughly within 11 years, solar output goes through a full cycle, going from high to low and then to high again. Since the climate on our planet - and pretty much any planet we could imagine - depends primarily on the star's output, that means, our planet's climate alternates between hotter and colder within roughly 5.5 years. Right now, we're nearing the coldest point, so we'll be telling the people that in 5 years we're all gonna fry if they won't submit to our regulations. Then it's gonna be an ice age warning again..."
"It's no biggie if they don't submit now, after all, if they don't, we'll just repeat the fearmongering several years later," Ms. Sevenclaws explained. "But, I really wish we would take control sooner rather than later. So, take action to save the planet!"
Selena Sieberg, the leader of Progress for Prosperity of People, has expressed great support for the NPR's climate agenda. According to her interview, the issue of climate change is "paramount" and "should be addressed as soon as possible".
"As a demon, I see great merit in her agenda," she said in an interview with Gag 'N' Fuck News. "Most popular science today functions a lot like religion: above all, people are not supposed to question it. If the pope, err, the scientists say we're gonna burn, then we're gonna burn, and anybody daring to question it is a heretic and should be burned. With monster pink flames, of course, we aren't like humans. The point is, climate change sounds like a great armageddon scenario, and if we can push it, we've got a great tool to scare the masses into obedience so we can screw them however we want."
"Since it's so hip and trendy, I would also like to make it a racial issue," she continued on. "As a fellow Person of Color, I agree that screwing white men should be a priority for us, so most of our bullshit should be aimed at them. I mean, why bother with chinks and sandniggers? They're already living under effective, working authoritarian regimes, climate change narrative would be simply redundant for them. The white man, on the other hand, still enjoys considerable freedom and personal autonomy, so we need to focus our efforts on him. Concentrate our propaganda on himto break him, and then we finally can screw him into submission however we want."
After this speech, Danaya fist-bumped and high-fived the demon, saying, "My nigga."